That’s so unfair!
We all seem to have a built-in sense of what is fair and what’s not fair in life, but do we all have the same idea of what fairness is? Apparently not! A recent disagreement has reminded me that even close friends have different ideas of fairness.
I was feeling a bit down earlier. The reason I felt bad was that I made my close friend Charlotte upset last night by making some sarcastic comments about something she told me. Something that seemed so childish to me I could hardly believe I was hearing it, but she obviously felt so outraged about it, that my lack of sensitivity genuinely hurt her.
So, Charlotte’s aunt is moving from her enormous farmhouse to a small apartment, and she’s been going through all the stuff she needs to get rid of. She came over to Charlotte’s to give her an antique vase that Charlotte’s always loved. You’d think that Charlotte would be pleased by her aunt’s generosity. But no, instead of being thankful, she’s green with envy because her aunt is giving her sister her grand piano, and that’s worth far more than the vase.
I was astonished at her reaction, and I’m afraid I let it show. Charlotte has gained something lovely that she didn’t have before. Why can’t she just be happy for her sister? After all, the piano has to go somewhere. What shocked me most was that Charlotte doesn’t even play the piano! It’s fair to say that our evening ended awkwardly, and we didn’t share our usual hug when we said goodbye.
My friendship with Charlotte is important to me, and after a good night’s sleep, I wondered if I’d been a little hard on her. When I googled “fairness,” I discovered that it is, indeed, incredibly important to us, and it may be more of a biological thing than we realize. It seems that even monkeys display similar behavior to Charlotte. In one study, a monkey was taught to give the researcher a rock and received a cucumber in return. At first, the monkey was content with that, but it was when it saw a neighboring monkey being rewarded with a (much more desirable) grape that the trouble began. From then on, when the first monkey was given a cucumber, it would throw it back at the researcher and shake the cage in fury.
So even monkeys care about fairness. However, there is little agreement about what fairness consists of. Apparently, there are three main ideas, which can be summed up as “sameness,” “deservedness,” or “need.” In other words, some people think that everyone should be equal, some that we should be rewarded according to effort, and some that we should help those who need it most. When you think about how basic, yet conflicting, those concepts are, and the implications they have for governments, it’s no wonder we argue about politics!
Anyway, I feel better now that I know that what I saw as Charlotte’s selfishness may not be entirely under her control. I hope we’ll be able to mend our relationship, but I guess that telling her she’s acting like a monkey may not be the best way to go about it!